The Doorman and the CEO: How to Get Past Your Partner’s Defenses

We’ve all been there: trying to talk to the person we love and feeling like we’re hitting a wall. Maybe it’s a simple question that gets a short reply. Maybe it’s a quiet distance you can’t quite name. Whatever it is, it feels like you’re locked outside, waiting for someone to open up.

Mario Che, the relationship coach behind GOATSWIN, has a way of explaining this that just clicks. He says everyone has two inner voices when it comes to love: the doorman and the CEO.

Meet the Doorman

The doorman is protective. He decides who gets in, when, and how fast. If your partner seems cold or pulls away during arguments, that’s likely the doorman at work. He’s not mean. He’s just doing his job. He doesn’t open the door for someone who seems like a threat, even if that “threat” is really just a partner trying to talk things through.

So how do you get past him?

Not by pushing harder. Not by explaining louder. But by showing you're safe. That you’re not here to fix, control, or win. You’re here to connect.

“Winners are people who focus on exactly what they want in life,” Mario writes. And if what you want is closeness, then lead with patience, not pressure.

Then There’s the CEO

The CEO is the decision-maker. They’re thinking ahead. They’ve got spreadsheets in their head of who’s reliable, what’s risky, how much energy is left to give today. The CEO isn’t rude. They’re just trying to keep the company (your partner’s emotional life) running smoothly.

So if your partner is quiet, guarded, or hesitant, the CEO might be weighing whether now’s a good time to let their guard down. Your job? Help them feel safe enough to say yes.

That might mean saying, “I don’t need you to fix anything. I just want to be here with you.” Or even, “Can I help you unplug from today for a minute?”

Small gestures matter more than we think.

It's Not About Winning the Argument

Mario’s work is built on the idea that love isn’t about winning. It’s about staying connected. He writes about the power of emotional triggers, not just the ones that set us off, but the ones that bring us closer. A warm glance. A shared memory. Laughing over something only the two of you would find funny.

So when you feel that door starting to close, try to remember: don’t knock louder. Just be someone worth opening up to.

A Moment to Try This

Next time your partner feels far away, don’t start with, “We need to talk.” Start with something lighter:
“Want to sit outside with me for a few minutes?”
Or even, “I’m thinking of making pancakes for dinner. Join me?”

It sounds small, but it’s not. It’s an invitation. And that’s what the doorman responds to.

“Most people don’t realize that every reaction is a clue,” Mario says. When you slow down and pay attention, those clues lead you straight to what your partner really needs.

In Real Life

No relationship is perfect. We all hit roadblocks. But if you can understand who’s answering the door (the cautious doorman or the calculating CEO) you’ll know how to show up better.

The real goal? Not to break through defenses, but to build something strong enough that defenses aren't needed as often.

Bottom Line:
You can’t force someone to open up. But you can be someone they want to open up to. With steady effort, soft eyes, and real patience, the doorman might just let you in and the CEO might sit down and stay awhile.